Another short. This idea was lingering in mind for a while. There seems to be a connection between my writing and traveling on a plane. Again, this was written while I was on my way back from Chicago this weekend. I would let you guys read without any introduction to the characters this time.
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Exhausted and weary, he poured a good portion of bourbon in the glass and leaned back on the chair. Took a sip and loosened his tie.
"I might not need to wear this again!".
For the first time in his life, he felt truly relaxed. Sun was setting outside bringing golden rays through the window and spreading them across the room.
"Beautiful..why did I never
59 years, 24x7, all he did is work. Today, it was all over. Mark retired today.
Another sip. He glanced at photos on wall. Sons graduation, first job party. Daughters marriage, grandsons at thanksgiving dinner table. All looked happy and content. Michelle, his wife, smiling at him.
"Ohh, I miss you so much Michelle....".
Unknowingly, his fingers rolled over the ring in his hand and he felt her warm touch. Michelle left him 15 years before in an accident that Mark magically survived.
"You broke the promise. We were in it together. It was for both of us, why only you? I could not
Tears rolled down as he closed his eyes. Suddenly, he felt empty, sad, aimless.
"I am useless now.
"When you feel sad, don't know what to do, look around. You will find answers. They are around you, waiting to be found....", Michelle used to say, and he used look around
"I don't see them
As he looked around again, he noticed something. Sun was falling on his old drawing book, pencils, brushes, dried out colors. It's been years he drew anything. A forgotten hobby. He locked his eyes on the board for few minutes, suddenly got up and cleaned the dust on the book. Flipped to new page and kept staring at it.
"A new page, a clean slate, just like me. No emptiness...but
Rejuvenated, wiping his tears, laughing loudly, he picked up a pencil and started drawing. Retired, but not so much tired
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Really well written
ReplyDeleteNice dude! How come I don't come up with such creative stories when I am traveling ALL the time...hehe...
ReplyDeleteSo a question to maybe all the movie makers on this blog and budding ones...all that in italics, what would be a good way of showing it, instead of a voice over? Maybe images?
Nice one man !!
ReplyDeleteI like that story 1 better, but like this post much more :)
ReplyDeleteKeep em coming Boss!
Also, consider this as an official request to co-write these with you for screen.
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ReplyDeleteThank you all for comments.
ReplyDelete@Gubz - I agree that its going to be quite a challenge to convey those thoughts in the film. I did think of that a little while writing the story. As you mentioned, camera angles, images will definitely help. Some of them are direct dialogues too. Such as Michelle talking to him. When he closes his eyes, those can be blurred memory flashes for example. Music score is going to be very important factor too.
@Onkar - I am honored. Your request has been officially accepted. :)
mmm.. ok I'm going to dare n be a little disagreeable here...
ReplyDeleteI didn't like this one. At all. I think you're much better than this.
I was a little intrigued when it started out. The line about the bourbon and the tie was an interesting little detail which hints at his personality and position in life a little. But after that there was nothing that was really different or fresh about him.
I felt the story was a little too convenient and also quite cliched. It's a watered down version of the first 10 minutes of the animated film "Up"... but without the charm.
The choice of pictures you described on his wall are almost cheesy and expected. Almost blatantly emotionally manipulative..
More specifically, I had trouble with the all-too-convenient end. If he hasn't even thought of or touched his drawing pad and pencils in years what are they doing out in the room? Also what room is it? The pictures on the wall etc suggest it's a living room probably where he entertains guests. The bourbon and tie suggest he's fairly well off so he probably has someone to keep the place clean for him. So assuming the above rationale to be true why is there a dusty drawing pad and untouched pencils etc in the room?
I'd prefer it if it had a wee bit more of an emotional arc for eg say he started with being numb n then progressively if he'd actually been sad for a few days..maybe show the involvement of the kids in his life.. to give context to the pictures and show that it had actually been a large happy thriving family at one point.. maybe a phone call, maybe a visit.. n then remembering his wife's favorite line he's perplexed by it.. looking for the obvious.. on the surface.. then as he digs deeper and maybe starts clearing out the house and stumbles upon it..
I know it is a nice visual image to pick up a drawing pad n blow the dust away but it doesn't fit in the scene you're describing in the beginning.. and its really cliched too :)
The storyline isn't really new but there are many ways it could be interesting (there are a bunch of movies that give very interesting treatments to post-retirement lives) and I think for this to be really heart-warming and touching not merely cheesy it needs a lot more detail .. it needs more hooks..
please don't hate me? :)
@nutty: I looked at this post more like a story idea, not a story. Its almost an extended log line. If I was to write a story from it there could be several different ways I could get the protagonist to the resolution. What you mentioned is great feedback but I think would apply more to a full story.
ReplyDeleteA lot of great stories/films when written in 1 line will probably sound cliched and uninteresting. At the idea level I found it beautiful and with a lot of potential for a 'coming of age' story. But thats my opinion :)
Thank for the comment Nutty and Onkar.
ReplyDelete@Nutty - I definitely do not hate you for that..so all cool! Though the nature of your comments is brutally honest, it can be used to form a constructive feedback if one reads it with that intention. With regards to convenient parts or the cliche nature of the story, I don't think I wanted to avoid that at all. There is no need to be different all the time. It does not always mean fresh or creative.
Our man, Mark has a everything, family, money etc. He is a workaholic (may be he became that way because his wife left him.) All these years, he found solution to his solitude by engaging in work and not spending time at home which will remind him of her all the time. Now, that work is over, he has retired, it hits him.
Anyway, that's the background thought. As you can see, I have not done a great job conveying that in the story-line.
@Onkar, I agree with you. This post is more like an idea which has potential to be handled in many different and "fresh" ways. After all its so many movies have handled this topic but "Up" comes to our mind. The reason is execution.
@gubzoid: In answer to your question, I think some of the things in italics would definitely need a voiceover like the "You broke the promise..." or "When you feel sad, don't know...." parts i.e. mostly when the protagonist remembers what someone else told him or spoke to him, but most of the others parts can be conveyed just by actions and expressions by a good actor...even thoughts like ""I might not need to wear this again!" and I think even a somewhat complicated epiphany like"A new page, a clean slate..." can be conveyed quite well using actions and expressions.
ReplyDelete